A Glimpse of Sunlight (*NEW*)

A Glimpse of Sunlight

Rain falls in torrential downpours

Thunder and lightning

All night and all morning long

The deep gray dark outside

Reflected in my mind

Body

Heart

And soul

It feels like it has always been this dark

Like it will always be this dark

Even though I’ve been here before

And I know it never lasts forever

“This too shall pass”

The dark is so pervasive that it feels permanent

This time

Every time

But then…

A tiny glint of sunlight peeks through the gray

Slowly growing

Until it shines so brightly it’s almost blinding

My eyes blink, unaccustomed to the light

Raindrops glisten on the window screen 

Like stars in the daytime

And in my mind

Body

Heart

And soul

Light returns.

Hope returns.

And the feeling that maybe

Not now, but eventually

Everything will be okay. 

Made of Love (*NEW*)

Made of Love

All my life, I have loved Deeply Fully With my entire being

When I was 15, you told me I was wrong

“You’re too affected by this”

“It’s not a big deal”

“It’s just a game”

(The game of baseball, which was my source of life energy, the fuel for my soul

And the first deep love that taught me everything I know)

So I stopped talking about it

To you, to friends, to everyone

I understood that nobody would understand

So I kept it inside

But my love is too big to hold inside

And I was not wrong

You were wrong.

But still to this day, your words persist

And I struggle to talk about

The things that are most important to me

Because I know that like you, people won’t understand

They will tell me that I’m wrong

That I should stop, or turn it down

That I should love less (as if I could)

And still that love grows inside me

Until it can’t help but explode out

And only now am I finding my people

Who understand how deep it goes

Who understand that even though

It may not look like what society teaches us “love” is

It is still love

And it is a deeper love than most people will ever experience.

All my life, I have loved this deeply.

People tell me it’s too much

Life experience tells me it’s not enough

And still I keep loving

Loving hard, loving strong, loving deep

It’s all I know

Maybe it’s because my brain is wired differently

But it is the deepest, core, defining part of what makes me me.

It is my greatest strength

It’s what I have to offer

It is my superpower

And I love it

No matter what anyone says

I will continue to love

Hard, and strong, and deep

Even if it’s too much

Even if it’s not enough

Even if people understand

Even if people don’t

This is when I feel most fully myself

This is what I return to when I’m floundering

To feel like me again

This is what I can do, and give, and be

This is what I love most about myself

My favorite thing about me

And I will never stop.

This is my superpower

The best part of me

It is what defines me

All my life, I will love

Deeply

Fully

With my entire being

This is who I am.

Untitled (*NEW*)

Untitled New Poem

I decided not to be a psychologist, therapist, counselor Because I can’t keep other people’s big feelings from impacting my own But now all my friends struggle with depression And I’m the one who always pulls them back from the edge And sometimes all of them come to me at the same time I have extreme emotional empathy And I’m hurtling towards burnout But I can’t stop Can’t take a break Because I love them, and they need me, and WHO ELSE will be the one To talk them off the ledge and keep them here I’m so afraid of failing That I won’t be enough this time That I won’t be able to juggle all of them at once Or I’ll crash and burn before I can keep them all from falling I’ve done this SO. MANY. TIMES. Why does everyone always come to me? Don’t get me wrong, I’m honored And so grateful that they trust me Like I must be doing something right Even though I don’t know what I’m doing, and it’s all instinct And reacting to emotional cues With emotional empathy And compassionate empathy (the need to DO something to help) And this is something I can ACTUALLY DO (And maybe something I’m actually good at?) So I can’t stop won’t stop refuse to ever stop Even if I go down in spectacular burnout flames Because I need this as much as they do And that scares me the most.

Tangible Proof: An Anxiety Poem (*NEW*)

Tangible Proof: An Anxiety Poem

"It will be okay.  Everything will be fine."
How the fuck do you know?
You can't see how this ends any more than I can
So your empty words mean nothing
As I spiral down
Down
Down
Kicking and screaming into the darkness
Twisting tighter and tighter to the brink of explosion
One single point of focus
The answer I need
Somewhere out of reach, beyond the dark.

Trapped in a room with no doors
Or windows
I frantically search the walls with my fingers, seeking any little crack
Through which a tiny breath of air
A tiny hint of secondhand proof
Might trickle into the desperate cyclone of my mind
And buy me a few precious seconds of respite
Before it consumes me completely.

But even if I find that crack
And catch my breath for just a second
The effect is temporary, fleeting
And the swirling vortex quickly swallows me again
Desperately seeking the only true solution
The ultimate resolution
Because anxiety requires tangible proof to stop.

(Note: This poem was inspired by a truism that I stumbled upon in conversation with a friend, which ended up being the last line of the poem.  I wrote most of this back in September, when my anxiety got really bad.  Things have been much better since then, but the unfinished draft was driving me nuts just sitting there for 3 months, lol, so I decided to go ahead and finish it.  I'm not totally satisfied with how it turned out - it feels clunky to me, like I can tell it was written at two different times.  Maybe I'll come back and tweak it next time my anxiety flares up.  For now, at least it's finished!)

My Life as a Weird Extended Metaphor (*NEW*)

My Life as a Weird Extended Metaphor

Me: It's been almost two and a half years stuck in this long, dark tunnel of pandemic parenting, and for the last six months or so, I've had to watch everyone else move on while I'm still stuck.  I'm so exhausted and burnt out.  THROW ME A FRICKIN' BONE, HERE.

The Universe: Oh, you mean this bone? *holds up the exact bone I would choose if I could pick one myself*

Me: OMG, yes, PLEASE, that's perfect!  

The Universe: Okay.  I guess you can have it.  Soon.  But first, you have to figure out how to get it.

Me: Okay, yes, I will do that. *spends weeks figuring, reconciling, deciding, planning, etc.*

Me: Okay, I've got it all figured out!  Finally!

The Universe: Great.  Come with me, we're going on a little field trip.  Consider it a preview.

Me: Okay!  Yes!

*The Universe takes me to the dog park, dangles the bone in front of me, then throws it into the fenced area, where all the other dogs immediately pounce on it and start happily playing with it.  We sit and watch them for a little while.*

Me: Awwww, this is awesome!  Look how happy they all are!  And that bone is so sparkly and perfect!  

The Universe: Yeah, it's pretty great, huh?  Okay, I think we're done here.

*The Universe takes me back home.*

Me: That was amazing!  I'm so excited for my turn to play with the bone!

The Universe: ...

Me: ...what?

The Universe: Hahahahaha...I was totally just kidding.  NOPE.  No turn for you.  LMAO! 

Me: ...

Me: Well, that tracks.  Welcome to my life.

*I crawl sadly back into my crate, turn around a few times, then lie down and curl up to wait for the end of this long, dark tunnel...which I have to get to eventually, right?...and dream about the other dogs playing happily with the bone.*

THE END

(Note: This is the first new piece of writing I've done that's not a poem, but also isn't musings.  I'm not sure how to categorize it, but it's how the format presented itself in my mind, so that's how I wrote it.  This is a metaphorical version of the real sequence of events in my life recently.)

The Light at the End of the Tunnel (*NEW*)

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Darkness.
Stretching on for what seems like forever.
Reaching out to infinity in all directions.
I don't know if I am moving forward
Or just standing still
In this endless, pitch-black night.

Suddenly, it appears:
A blinding, brilliant flash of white
Somewhere in the distance in front of me.
(I can't tell how far.)
It hovers there, pulsing, twinkling,
Threatening to blink out again at any moment.
The light at the end of the tunnel.

This isn't the first time.
They've appeared before, but they never last.
Always fade and fizzle out before I can quite reach them.

I want so badly to grab this light.
To hold onto it with everything I have left.
Every last ounce of hope that my tired soul can muster.
But I'm terrified to try.
Too afraid to even acknowledge that this could actually be
The light at the end of the tunnel.
Terrified that if I name it,
Or allow myself to believe it,
It will blink out just as quickly as it appeared.
Just like all the other ones have.
Thrusting me back into the endless dark.

I can feel its pull
Drawing me in like a moth to a flame.
So desperate for something, anything
That can finally shatter this endless darkness
And bring me back into the light.
"Please," my mind shouts into the void,
"Please please please, please let this be the one.
The real one, the one that doesn't disappear
And leave me here.
I can't hold on much longer.
I need this."

Silently, my tears fall.
As I am consumed by hope and fear and desperation.
The light at the end of the tunnel.


(Note: This is my reaction to today's potential good news about a Covid vaccine for kids under 5 - which includes my almost-3-year-old.  It's been over two years that I've kept my family in strict lockdown.  We've sacrificed so much to keep all four of us safe and alive.  Jobs, friendships, socialization, education, enrichment...life.  As the rest of the world has returned to mostly "normal" the past few months, it's been even more isolating to continue our precautions, because for us, nothing has changed, but everyone else doesn't realize that, because they've already gotten back their lives.  I feel incredibly alone, overwhelmed, and so, so tired.  Constant vigilance is exhausting.  Survival mode is exhausting.  And it's not sustainable for over two years.  I need this so desperately.  WE need this so desperately.  PLEASE let it be real this time.  Please.)   

Two Wolves (*NEW*)

Two Wolves

The wolves inside me are fighting again.
The first, primal and visceral, howls into the night, always on the offensive.
The second, the voice of moral compass, patiently waits in the wings.

"FEED ME!" screams the first, sending tingles of arousal shooting through my body.
His calls grow ever louder, I cannot ignore his constant beckoning.
Then, just as I am about to give in...

The second growls a quiet warning, deploying his secret weapon of defense.
"It's a sin to kill a mockingbird," his low voice rumbles through my soul.
I know his words are true, his impenetrable defense leaving me unable to justify
Giving in to the carnal desires of the first.

Then they meet, a blur of teeth and claws
Tearing at each other relentlessly
While I watch, helpless in my own body
As the battle rages on, brutal and bloody.
Neither giving an inch, neither backing down
Until finally, my body settles back to its base state
And the two wolves stalk away to their respective corners
Leaving me alone, in a sea of guilt and shame.

The battle has ended, but there is no victor.
In a few short weeks, the wolves will reappear to fight anew.
And the war wages on, never ending.

(Note: This poem was inspired by a facebook meme, one of my favorite literary quotes, and monthly hormonal surges.)