Musings: On "Go Mode"

In 2015, I went to John Smoltz's Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  I was 6 months pregnant, and we drove all the way from Atlanta to upstate New York, and sat outside in the late July heat the whole time.  I had been waiting/planning for that moment for more than half my life, and I wouldn't have missed it for ANYTHING.  From the minute I found out it was happening, I was SO excited, thrilled, GIDDY with anticipation.  I had a running countdown for MONTHS.  It was the culmination of so many years of passion...and also a re-awakening of sorts, after that part of me was broken six years earlier.  It was SO emotional for me.  The anticipation and buildup was INTENSE.  I cried a lot, both happy and sad tears.  But mostly I was just so grateful to actually realize this dream I'd had for so long.

Then...we got there.  And I. Felt. NOTHING.  The entire weekend.  It was like I was just going through the motions of doing whatever was next on the agenda.  It felt like I missed out on what should have been one of the best days of my life.  And the emotion never showed up.  Even after we got home, and I had time to process everything that we did, I never FELT what I knew I should have felt.

This is what I've come to call "Go Mode".  When I'm put in a situation that evokes a Big Emotional Reaction, the anticipation and buildup is when I lose my shit.  I feel ALL THE FEELINGS in the days, weeks, months leading up to whatever it is.  And then when I get there...that part of me shuts itself off, and the part of me that is functional and productive takes over.  It's a coping/defense mechanism that I've had for years.  I had just never seen it happen in a positive context before.  It's the same thing that happens when I have to do something that triggers my anxiety.  It's helpful in those situations, because I can actually Do The Thing without having a panic attack or a total emotional breakdown in the moment.  All of those things happen during the anticipation period instead.

Last night, my friend and I watched the season 4 finale of The Magicians.  This is a spoiler-free zone, but all I'll say is that this is a DEEPLY emotional episode, and when it first aired, it caused a massive rift in the fandom, and the effects of it are still ongoing three years later.  It's BIG.  The first two times I watched it, I got really sad/mildly depressed.  The third time, I got SUUUUUUUPER rage-y.  I wasn't sure what to expect this time.  I've had a LOT going on at once this week (and next week, for that matter), and I've sort of been all over the place emotionally.  I had a whole plan in place for what I would do after we watched to help me regulate myself back to some kind of stability.  I was worrying and anticipating it for DAYS.  So we finally watched...and I. Felt. NOTHING.  Sure, I ugly cried (snot and all), and sobbed so hard I hyperventilated DURING the episode.  But as soon as it was over, I was...totally fine.  No big sads, no rage, nothing.  At first I was super confused.  This had never happened before.  I tried to figure out what the heck was going on, but I still didn't really know.  Then, this morning, it clicked.  I was in Go Mode.  I got SO worked up about it ahead of time that when it came time to actually watch it, my body kicked into Go Mode, and I didn't even realize it.  I'm not happy about this development.  I'd rather FEEL something.  I'd rather be sad.  I'd even rather be rage-y (well...maybe not that).  I'd rather not feel like I'm missing out and experiencing my life as an observer rather than a participant.

The problem with Go Mode is that I'm not in control of it.  It activates by itself (it's not a conscious decision), and I don't know how to turn it off.  So when it happens, it happens, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm really worried that it's going to happen again next week, when I have something really exciting and special coming up (I'll probably write more about that after it happens).  I don't WANT to miss these things!  I don't WANT to be an observer in these moments.  I want to FEEL it, deep in my soul.  I want to feel ALL of it.  Because that's who I am.  I feel things to the core of my being, in ways that most people don't understand.  I just want to be that version of me.  That's when I am my truest self.  That's what I want.  That's what I need.  And Go Mode blocks me from accessing that.