Musings: On Love (In All Its Forms), or A Letter To My 16-Year-Old Self

It has been 7 years this week since my pilgrimage to my own personal Mecca: the Baseball Hall of Fame.  But not just the Hall of Fame itself.  I was there for one thing, and one thing only.  My favorite player's induction ceremony.  Whenever I tell people about it, they're all like, "oh, that's awesome!"  Other baseball fans say things like, "I really want to go there one day!" or "I went in X year(s)!"  All of that is great, but...it's really missing the point of what this trip actually was for me.

Baseball was my first real passion in life.  It was a part of my life since I was too young to remember, but I really came back to it when I was 12, on my own terms.  It was never "just a game" to me.  It was so, SO much more.  And my favorite player?  That was my first experience with love.  It's not romantic love, or even platonic love...it's its own version of love that I haven't come across a label for.  And because of that, people generally don't get it.  I learned a long time ago not to try to talk to people about it, because I got ridiculed and dismissed so many times.  People are quick to minimize things they don't understand.  My favorite little philosopher, Linus Van Pelt (from Peanuts), once said, "There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin."  Everyone has their own "Great Pumpkin", and this is mine.  But despite what everyone tried to tell me...everything I felt was valid, and it was REAL.  Love is love is love, no matter what it looks like, or if you understand it.  It just IS.

So, to my 16-year-old self, who really struggled with the constant invalidation of the most important thing in her life...and for anyone else who might be similarly struggling, at any age...this is for you.

Dear 16-year-old Tara,

I see you.  I see you feeling all of these HUGE feelings, and feeling like you don't know where it's safe to express them.  I see you trying to compare and fit this into the schema that society has created for what you KNOW in your core that this is.  I see you hiding.  I see you minimizing yourself.  I see you feeling trapped, like no one understands, like there's nowhere for it to go.  I see you.

I know it's hard.  It will keep being hard, and it will even get harder at times.  This passion, this love that you feel, it will break you.  It will cause you to lose yourself completely, and it will take YEARS to start finding yourself again.  But it's worth it.  It's worth every second, because it is REAL. It is valid.  YOU are valid.  Don't let anyone (or everyone) tell you otherwise.  You deserve better.  And someday, you will find your people.  People who, even if their own experiences are slightly different, really do GET it, and will support you and encourage you and love you for it.

Your experience is 100% valid.  Just because it doesn't look like what everyone thinks love is supposed to look like doesn't mean they're right and you're wrong.  It is REAL.  You KNOW it's real, in that place deep inside that drives you and makes you YOU.  You can feel it there already, and you know what it is.  You are valid.  It is real.  It is love.

I know right now it feels like a bad thing.  To feel so much, so strongly, and to feel like nobody will ever understand.  I know you wish you could be "normal", and you so badly need just one person who will see you and hear you and KNOW this part of who you are.  Someday, you will realize (and somewhere deep inside, you already know this)...it's a GOOD thing.  It's what makes you YOU.  You care, and love, and FEEL this on a level that most people will never experience.  It's deep, and it's true, and it's REAL.  This is your gift.  Hold onto it, nurture it, even when the world tries to break it.  To break YOU.  Don't let them.  You KNOW who you are.  It's okay.  It's valid.  It's real.  And it's GOOD.  Stay good.  Stay YOU.  I love you.

Love,
38-year-old Tara

My Life as a Weird Extended Metaphor (*NEW*)

My Life as a Weird Extended Metaphor

Me: It's been almost two and a half years stuck in this long, dark tunnel of pandemic parenting, and for the last six months or so, I've had to watch everyone else move on while I'm still stuck.  I'm so exhausted and burnt out.  THROW ME A FRICKIN' BONE, HERE.

The Universe: Oh, you mean this bone? *holds up the exact bone I would choose if I could pick one myself*

Me: OMG, yes, PLEASE, that's perfect!  

The Universe: Okay.  I guess you can have it.  Soon.  But first, you have to figure out how to get it.

Me: Okay, yes, I will do that. *spends weeks figuring, reconciling, deciding, planning, etc.*

Me: Okay, I've got it all figured out!  Finally!

The Universe: Great.  Come with me, we're going on a little field trip.  Consider it a preview.

Me: Okay!  Yes!

*The Universe takes me to the dog park, dangles the bone in front of me, then throws it into the fenced area, where all the other dogs immediately pounce on it and start happily playing with it.  We sit and watch them for a little while.*

Me: Awwww, this is awesome!  Look how happy they all are!  And that bone is so sparkly and perfect!  

The Universe: Yeah, it's pretty great, huh?  Okay, I think we're done here.

*The Universe takes me back home.*

Me: That was amazing!  I'm so excited for my turn to play with the bone!

The Universe: ...

Me: ...what?

The Universe: Hahahahaha...I was totally just kidding.  NOPE.  No turn for you.  LMAO! 

Me: ...

Me: Well, that tracks.  Welcome to my life.

*I crawl sadly back into my crate, turn around a few times, then lie down and curl up to wait for the end of this long, dark tunnel...which I have to get to eventually, right?...and dream about the other dogs playing happily with the bone.*

THE END

(Note: This is the first new piece of writing I've done that's not a poem, but also isn't musings.  I'm not sure how to categorize it, but it's how the format presented itself in my mind, so that's how I wrote it.  This is a metaphorical version of the real sequence of events in my life recently.)

Musings: On "Go Mode"

In 2015, I went to John Smoltz's Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  I was 6 months pregnant, and we drove all the way from Atlanta to upstate New York, and sat outside in the late July heat the whole time.  I had been waiting/planning for that moment for more than half my life, and I wouldn't have missed it for ANYTHING.  From the minute I found out it was happening, I was SO excited, thrilled, GIDDY with anticipation.  I had a running countdown for MONTHS.  It was the culmination of so many years of passion...and also a re-awakening of sorts, after that part of me was broken six years earlier.  It was SO emotional for me.  The anticipation and buildup was INTENSE.  I cried a lot, both happy and sad tears.  But mostly I was just so grateful to actually realize this dream I'd had for so long.

Then...we got there.  And I. Felt. NOTHING.  The entire weekend.  It was like I was just going through the motions of doing whatever was next on the agenda.  It felt like I missed out on what should have been one of the best days of my life.  And the emotion never showed up.  Even after we got home, and I had time to process everything that we did, I never FELT what I knew I should have felt.

This is what I've come to call "Go Mode".  When I'm put in a situation that evokes a Big Emotional Reaction, the anticipation and buildup is when I lose my shit.  I feel ALL THE FEELINGS in the days, weeks, months leading up to whatever it is.  And then when I get there...that part of me shuts itself off, and the part of me that is functional and productive takes over.  It's a coping/defense mechanism that I've had for years.  I had just never seen it happen in a positive context before.  It's the same thing that happens when I have to do something that triggers my anxiety.  It's helpful in those situations, because I can actually Do The Thing without having a panic attack or a total emotional breakdown in the moment.  All of those things happen during the anticipation period instead.

Last night, my friend and I watched the season 4 finale of The Magicians.  This is a spoiler-free zone, but all I'll say is that this is a DEEPLY emotional episode, and when it first aired, it caused a massive rift in the fandom, and the effects of it are still ongoing three years later.  It's BIG.  The first two times I watched it, I got really sad/mildly depressed.  The third time, I got SUUUUUUUPER rage-y.  I wasn't sure what to expect this time.  I've had a LOT going on at once this week (and next week, for that matter), and I've sort of been all over the place emotionally.  I had a whole plan in place for what I would do after we watched to help me regulate myself back to some kind of stability.  I was worrying and anticipating it for DAYS.  So we finally watched...and I. Felt. NOTHING.  Sure, I ugly cried (snot and all), and sobbed so hard I hyperventilated DURING the episode.  But as soon as it was over, I was...totally fine.  No big sads, no rage, nothing.  At first I was super confused.  This had never happened before.  I tried to figure out what the heck was going on, but I still didn't really know.  Then, this morning, it clicked.  I was in Go Mode.  I got SO worked up about it ahead of time that when it came time to actually watch it, my body kicked into Go Mode, and I didn't even realize it.  I'm not happy about this development.  I'd rather FEEL something.  I'd rather be sad.  I'd even rather be rage-y (well...maybe not that).  I'd rather not feel like I'm missing out and experiencing my life as an observer rather than a participant.

The problem with Go Mode is that I'm not in control of it.  It activates by itself (it's not a conscious decision), and I don't know how to turn it off.  So when it happens, it happens, and there's nothing I can do about it.  I'm really worried that it's going to happen again next week, when I have something really exciting and special coming up (I'll probably write more about that after it happens).  I don't WANT to miss these things!  I don't WANT to be an observer in these moments.  I want to FEEL it, deep in my soul.  I want to feel ALL of it.  Because that's who I am.  I feel things to the core of my being, in ways that most people don't understand.  I just want to be that version of me.  That's when I am my truest self.  That's what I want.  That's what I need.  And Go Mode blocks me from accessing that.