I crashed last night. Not the hardest I've ever crashed, but a crash nonetheless. I've known it was coming for a while. I've kind of been waiting for it to happen. Highs don't usually last as long as this one did (over three months!), and I could feel it slipping. I'm also mad at myself, though, because I triggered it, and I purposely ignored the signs. There's a reason why I tend to stick to the known, especially when it comes to entertainment/media. I know how my brain and my body will react, because a) I've experienced it before, and b) I know exactly what's coming. Especially during this pandemic, when my anxiety is perpetually at a higher baseline, I've tried to maintain constant vigilance about what I'm allowing myself to consume. I'm not great at it, to be honest. I've been doing a decent job of late, not opening the door for anything new, sticking to what I know. But constant vigilance is exhausting, and sometimes I slip. Sometimes I even slip on purpose, because my curiosity and my desire to FEEL THINGS overrides my defense mechanisms. This happens for many reasons, but I think the biggest one is because the thing that scares me the most is apathy. I'm such an emotionally-driven person, and when I start to lose my ability to feel, that's when I know things are really bad with my mental health, because that's my brain's last resort, fall-back defense. I'm extremely thankful that I haven't crashed that hard this time (at least not yet).
I'm still angry with myself for letting this happen, though. I saw all the signs. Saw them, and ignored them, in favor of trying to perpetuate the Good Feelings as long as I could. I know how my brain works. I know that it latches onto things, especially things that are familiar. I know that sometimes things that are intended to have one effect have a very different effect on me, because my brain interprets them in a different way. I know that I'm a HSP (highly sensitive person) and an empath, and I know that I have to be especially careful with things that activate those aspects of myself, because they can (and usually do) spiral out of my control SO quickly. I know these things, AND YET...I made the very conscious choice to ignore them. I did this to myself.
And now...how do I fix it? How do I bring myself back up? Obviously I need to take a break from the things I was doing that caused this shift. But that doesn't change how I feel now. My go-to is usually music. But even with that, I have to carefully curate my playlist, because if I choose the wrong song, it could completely backfire and shove me even farther down. It's like tiptoeing through a minefield. And there are songs that I usually find comforting that I honestly don't know if they'd make this better or worse. I guess I should just avoid them until I'm back on more solid emotional ground. But I don't WANT to. I still want to just dive in head first, consequences be damned. Even though I know better. Why? Why can't I just do the smart thing and not actively make it worse for myself? Why can't I just be patient and trust that when I do get myself back up out of this, I'll be able to enjoy those things again (although maybe a little more slowly and carefully)? Anxiety is a b*tch.
(Note: The timing of this is really interesting, since May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I hope that maybe putting this out there will help someone else who is struggling with these things, or with other mental health stuff. We're never as alone as we feel.)
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