I have been "the responsible one" since I was a little kid. I've always been a rule follower, I've had an overdeveloped guilt complex since the age of 6, and as I got older, my anxiety never allowed me to really even consider stepping off the straight and narrow path. As an adult, I still function the same way. I am, by default, the one in charge of keeping my household running smoothly, making sure everyone gets everything done on time and gets where they need to be when they need to be there. I am the advance planner, the one who stays on top of the calendar, who knows what's happening when, and reminds everyone of what they need to be doing. Usually, this isn't a bad thing. It keeps life running smoothly, keeps everyone functioning well, and I'm usually pretty much in control of the situation (which, as an anxiety-ridden control freak, is comforting to me). But every once in a while, it becomes the worst kind of curse.
Recently, I learned about an opportunity that I've been hoping for for a while. It's out of town, but it's within easy driving distance, and I have family nearby who I could stay with. At any other time, it would be a no-brainer. But...COVID. Because my youngest still can't get vaccinated yet (and even if they approve the vaccine for the littles this month, she still won't be fully vaccinated by the time this event happens, because it's a three-dose series), we are still in pretty strict lockdown, and I can't justify going to an indoor event with so many people, especially since many of them probably won't even be wearing masks. Obviously I would wear a mask the whole time, and limit my time there as much as possible. But I don't know if that's enough. I've been going back and forth, even asking the internet (via facebook and twitter) to weigh in with their gut instincts, "yes" or "no", with no background information. The results I got were also almost 50/50. I have talked specifically about it (with details) with four people. Three said yes, one said no.
I feel like this is a test, but I don't know what I'm being tested on. There are two possible things, and they are basically in direct opposition to each other in this instance. So I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. On the one hand, all the work I've been trying to do on myself tells me I should go. If I don't go, I'm letting my anxiety win. I'm letting it override what my heart tells me to do. I'm holding myself back because I'm scared. I always miss out on things that would probably be really good for me, because I make excuses and let my anxiety control my decision-making. Part of what I've been working on is not getting in my own way so much, and not closing doors before they open. Feel it, do it, be it. Also, there's no guarantee that there will be other opportunities like this in the future. I would regret it forever if I didn't go, and there ended up not being another opportunity. Plus, it would be a real break from mom life (which I desperately need), and an opportunity for some fun bonding time with my sister-in-law. On the other hand, knowingly doing something high risk that could make all of my efforts over the past 2+ years for nothing, and not doing everything I can to keep my kids safe (especially the little one, since she has no protection) is a risk I can't justify taking. My husband says I should go. He says that the risk of me catching Covid there is low, and even if I did, the risk of me getting it AND passing it to the kids is lower, and the risk of me catching it, passing it to the kids, AND it having some catastrophic outcome is even lower. But even if the odds are one in a million, someone has to be that one. And with my luck, it would probably be us. And because of all the trauma I have from my last pregnancy, plus some other stuff from before that, that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
So I'm at an impasse. One day I think I should go, the next I'm convinced I shouldn't. I just go back and forth, and most of the time I'm stuck right in the middle. The biggest problem I'm having with this is that I feel like in this particular instance, the anxiety I'm feeling is actually legit, and not my usual overblown sense of danger. But on the other hand, if I don't go, I am sacrificing my own happiness and self-care for my kids, and I will resent that to some extent. It's not logical, but I just know that what I feel about this opportunity (and all of the things that made me manifest it) is real, and it's me, and it's something I've been missing for SO LONG. Like this piece of my core being that was lost (or stolen from me) is back, and I need to feed it, and nurture it, and give it the care it needs to survive. I wish I had a crystal ball or something, so I could know the right decision to make. If I could KNOW that my kid won't die if I go, or if I could KNOW that there will be another opportunity to do this sometime in the future when it's safer, then I could make a decision.
Even though it generally serves me pretty well, right now I just hate always being "the responsible one". I hate that I can literally never turn it off. Especially when I'm constantly seeing everyone else doing stuff, and I still can't allow myself ONE questionably irresponsible decision. All my asking other people's opinions isn't going to help. What I'm really looking for is for someone to give me permission to give myself permission to do this. To tell me that it's okay to break out of the "responsible one" cage ONE TIME, and that it won't destroy my entire life. But honestly, even if everyone told me that, I don't think I could trust it. I am forever "the responsible one". I can't be anything else. And right now, it feels like a curse. Constant vigilance is exhausting, and it's been over two years. I am SO over it. And I think this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm TIRED. I'm frustrated. I can't keep doing this. I also don't really have a choice. Something's gotta give.
(NOTE: I am holding off on making any actual decisions about this at least until we hopefully find out what's happening with the vaccines for the littles later this month. I don't have to decide right now, I have some time to figure it all out. I'm just tired and frustrated and OVER IT, and writing it out helps me release some of that frustration, and also sometimes helps me sort through my thoughts. We'll see if it helps at all this time.)
